Damn bugs. Serves ‘em right. Can’t they see there’s a car heading toward them at 170 mph? (No? Really? They can’t see that…oh, well….hmmm. That changes everything, but do you mind if I continue? Thanks…)

So here I am bloggin’ away and BAM! Bug. No, I’m not driving, thank YOU. I’m not quite that much of an adrenaline junkie. I have these large glass windows a mere inch from my desk with a lovely view of Dallas’ own Central Park. It’s actually a cemetery, but trees are rare in Dallas, and I’ll take ‘em however I can get ‘em.

BAM! Again, even as I type. Since I’m on the 7th floor, it’s quite a plummet to the second death of concrete and BMWs below. Yuppie Hell for Bugs. All hope abandon, bees who try and enter here. Dante’s “Divine Comedy For Insects”, coming soon to a bookstore in my brain.

Ah, Google it. It’s funny. Trust me.

Yes, yes, YES…I have a point.

Those bugs remind me of all the dieters in the world. Just cruising along only to hit a seemingly invisible wall called The Plateau. BAM! Out like a light. Down for the count.

I tell you…this is all planned. It’s The Revenge Of The Fallen Winged-Ones. Since bugs don’t diet, and probably make lousy glass-blowers, they all banded together and came up with The Plateau. God, I’m clever. Go ahead…tell me how clever I am…oh, be that way. I’ll pat myself on the back and, you know, like…pull my latissimus dorsi in the process or something. Gee. Thanks.

Well, despite your lack of kudos for my theory, we still have a challenge: the bugs (oh, okay…NOT the bugs) — the Plateau, and how to overcome it.

Since this is no different than a 911 barreling toward you at 170 mph, we need to be prepared to sidestep the unseen. Unlike the dimwitted, evil insect, we can out-think the Plateau. We can actually look forward to it and land softly on its surface, kinda like the LEM of exploratory nutrition. That’s one giant step for nutrition…one giant leap for…MY GOD, WE’RE ON MARS! (Wouldn’t that have been great?)

Here’s some sound strategy for bypassing, soft landing, or simply overcoming the dreaded Plateau:

Keep Going

Yeah, not the most popular of strategies, but it works 9 out of 10 times, and it’s recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists surveyed. (I always wondered about that 4th dentist…I mean, did he like just RAIL on Trident? If so, why? What did he say? Do tell, Trident, do tell…) Keep going. Stay strong. Learn to eat for larger reasons than pounds. Just ask the British — pounds aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. (baddaBING) Up the intensity in the gym and the cardio a bit before you go off and change an otherwise sound nutrition plan or down an entire Krispy Kreme joint on a sugar spree. Cool? Cool.

Stagger Your Calories

Old trick but it’s worth its weight in dead bugs…er, gold. If you consume a MasterMeals protocol of 300 calories per meal, then dump 50 calories one day, and increase 50 calories the next. The net result is the same. You may even go for two days with 50 calories less per meal, then increase 50 calories for a day or two. Great way to crank the furnace. Just so we’re clear: that would mean 250 calories per MasterMeals for a day or two, followed by 350 calories for a day or two. Do the math…and be prepared to show your work.

Shock The System

Advanced nutrition freaks only! Take a day or two WAY off your plan and eat something you rarely eat. Just EAT. Then, when you’re done, consume nothing but a bit of fruit and raw veggies for a day or so. After that, those MasterMeals will taste like honey (as if they taste bad at all!), and your system will be ‘rebooted’, ready to burn more fat.

Pamper The Liver

Liver cleansing is a bit controversial, but I’ve seen it work wonders. There are many websites on the subject. Check it out and pass it by your doctor, assuming your doctor isn’t totally brain-dead and focused on dropping his “par” or his “birdie” or whatever-the-hell golf term fits. (Golf: A Game For Men In Dockers. Football: A Sport For Men In Helmets. Please, note the difference.)

Those are my tips for the day…and there are many more where those came from. And they’re all yours…if you’ll just come over and WASH THESE WINDOWS.

There’s ex-bug all over ‘em.

More tonight if you’re lucky. {10}