Father, forgive me for I am not Catholic. Also, I’m pretty sure that three-state killing spree was a sin, but I’m not sure since it included Arkansas. Can you check on that? But I’m really sure about this one sin…I lied to my 10ers about my agenda, or lack-thereof, and I need to get right with Rome.

Silence.

Um…Father? You there? Yo, Vinnie…answer your flock man…baaaaaa…seriously, I need some help here.

More silence, followed by giggling.

Oh. OH…oh my. Uh…no, NO, nooo…didn’t see a thing. Besides, I’m pretty sure that’s…uh, well, I’m no priest but…does Danny’s parent’s know he’s here? Can you excuse me while I dial 911 while attempting to flee these hallowed halls?

KIDDING…kidding. Priests are mostly cool, or so I’ve been told. I’m sure the media blew that (sorry) out of proportion, but I do have a problem with the way the Church handled the (sorry again) situation from a responsibility standpoint. I’m sure it will work out. It’s ripe for parody…but this is NOT my point.

My topic today deals with my lie to you, my faithful flock of 10ers, looking to me, the High Priest of Pudge, to tell it to you straight. Also, far more interesting on the reading front, the lie that’s hitting the media. Just wait until you hear this. So, read on and see what I mean…

unless your Catholic.

Oh for Buddha’s sake, can’t you take a JOKE? Geez, yes…yes…Catholics are more than welcome. So are Buddhists, Jesus folk, Jewish folk, the Amish if they have electricity, Muslims without shoe bombs, Native American tribal spirit-god types, Deists (yea team), atheists, agnostics, aggienostics (those who don’t know if Texas A&M exists or not), Thorists, Calvinists (since it’s all a done deal anyway), Mormons…anyone and everyone. 10-in-10 is a Religious-Unity Zone.

Except for those smelly Celtics.

First, my lie: other than seeing you lean and fit for life and slowly but surely luring you in to buying everything I ever create from now until eternity ends, including my upcoming Books On Tape Series, “Those Smelly Celtics: What’s Up With That Keltoi “Hidden People” Crap, Anyway?”, I do have a hidden goal. Two, in fact.

First, I plan to use humor and my natural charm (cough) as a means to remove your focus from the logistical to the metaphysical. To expand your subconscious ability to literally attract the answers you require to burn the fat and gain the body you want. That may require tools like MasterMeals or whatever, or it may just require a shift of thought. It’s working, folks. Read the comments. People are shedding fat faster than a nudist ditches his size 48 Speedos in Rio.

Funny thing is: I haven’t given you much of a guide book, roadmap, or plan. Think about it. There’s a reason to this, and it’s high time I tell you why.

Why is always more important than how.

You will figure out ‘how’ if you have a gigantic ‘why’. It’s that simple. 10 gives many reasons why while distracting you from any negative associations to “dieting” or “being fat”. It’s hard to take your fat too seriously when reading about how bugs are revolting against the glass industry, or how silly Richard Simmons’ shorts are. Even when being spanked a bit, your mind is taken somewhere else, and hopefully (eventually) sucked back into the fray of fat-shedding.

So there. My cards (some of them) are on the table.

For the second lie: I have an agenda to use more NIN references in a fitness blog than anyone else in the history of the universe.

I know, it’s a minor lie…but hey, I’m being 100% with you.

I’m not even going to tell you what “NIN” is. If you know, then you know…if you don’t, you have to figure it out. (Hint: title of today’s blog. That’s too easy for NIN historians, but we have to play well with others.)

Why Jon…why must you feel compelled to do this? It’s really juvenile and, well, how does such a positive guy even like NIN to start with?

It is juvenile, isn’t it? Cool! I don’t want to grow up. Growing up sucks. Just like (oh, you know…in fact, I’m about to create a side-bar list of all things sucky.) It’s just fun and a great way to grate on ya. Ha.

About the positive thing: I’m a truthful-ist. New word for you there. So, I can literally see beauty in chaos; the formations behind the abstract. It interests me. Plus I love loud, obnoxious noise that would cause my date’s mother and father to question my sanity. I’m a rebel without a reason, cause, clue, or personal jet. Damn, what’s the point of being a rebel again?

So, there you have it…my two lies. Not so bad, right? Got you curious, didn’t it? You’re still reading even as I type, aren’t you? Yeah…who knows you baby.

Now for something completely different (not a NIN, but MP is good, too.) This lie is really, really bad — and it’s not mine. It’s yours…or rather, a segment of our society’s:

Fat is okay. Fat is political. Fat is a matter of public acceptance.

Wrong. Wrong. And wrong.

If you don’t like those answers, - - - - off and eat Rhode Island for dessert. It’s a small place.

Yeah, I’m a terror…but you love me, don’t you?

Here’s what spiked my wrath, yet again, on this subject of political correctness meets the Incredible Blob that is the American people: Slate. One of our faithful 10ers emailed me about this already, and yes…I read it with a jaundice slant. In case you didn’t, here’s the link:

http://www.slate.com/id/2128999/?GT1=7407

I’ll quote excerpts from Laura’s fine article. I dig Slate most of the time. This article was of particular interest to me, as it should be to you. The title is the only thing I had a problem with. Laura, may I suggest another?:

WAAAAAAAAA……WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

It’s been used by me, but I give you permission to plagiarize it.

Here’s some gems for you:

A new study reports that in the course of a lifetime, 9 out of 10 men and 7 out of 10 women are going to become overweight. The CDC says that a third of the country is currently obese. This puts a large portion of the nation’s population in an unenviable predicament, since antipathy toward the fat, it’s frequently remarked, is the last sanctioned form of bigotry. But bigotry is traditionally the plight of minorities, and the fat are fast becoming a majority.

This is nothing I haven’t been saying for years, and nothing you don’t already know if you’ve read my diatribes on fat, oil, and insects….it’s all about the revenge of the bugs, people. They’re…everywhere.

Even if you don’t buy into my Oliver Stone-like paranoia over these non-glass-blowing critters, perhaps you’ll buy into this, again from the Slate article:

The best-known of the fat activist groups is the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA), but there are dozens of others, from the Fat Underground, which devotes itself to disrupting Weight Watchers meetings with pro-fat guerrilla theater, to rabble-rousing zines like Fat!So?, “for people who don’t apologize for their size.” Read though these Web sites and manifestos and you encounter a political movement in the making, one that a lot of us overfed Americans may soon be thinking about joining.

WAAAAAAAA!! I’m fat, and like, it’s okay and leave me alone, and…and…YOU’RE TREADING ON MY RIGHTS!

No sir, YOU are treading on the rights of free society. YOU are doing nothing about a condition proven a million times over to be deadly, both to the body and soul. YOU are draining our health care system at an alarming rate. YOU are causing 20% increases in fuel and oil expenditures for refusing to do something about a condition that, get this, has absolutely zero biological value.

In short, you are a selfish ass.

Who cares what people think about you? Do you really think we haven’t ALL had other people rail on us for something? Hell, I’m a bodybuilder…wanna know how many times I’ve heard, “narcissist”, “homosexual”, “freak”, or “obsessed” in my very sane journey to heterosexual health? Do you hear me bitching about it? NO. It comes with the territory. I found my personal bollocks and pressed onward. I didn’t start a “society” with funding from the ACLU.

Now, let me tell it to you straight, all ye who join NAAFA: there’s a lot of brave people (just look on this forum) who are doing something about their excess fat. Most of them are doing it for reasons other than what society thinks about them. Such motivation will last only a short while. Most are doing something because they love themselves more than you do. You can confuse “self-love” with “self-acceptance” all day everyday and twice on Sunday and it will not change the fact that they are completely different animals. I can completely love myself yet refuse to ‘accept’ certain standards which I know to be unhealthy, counter-productive to my family and society as a whole, and downright freakin’ fugly to look at in a bikini. Grow up and do the same.

The church I grew up in had a saying: love the sinner, hate the sin. Too bad they tended to get that backwards…but nonetheless, the intention is valid. You can love your ‘self’ and really dislike being temporarily obese or overweight….and yes, still be happy. You do not need the scapegoat political BS of some “acceptance society” to make yourself feel okay about being something you’re not.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking (transceivers are still functioning…and Tammy, stop thinking about Bob that way…): “But Jon, some people are just okay with being obese. What’s wrong with that?”

Nothing…really.

I hope you don’t mind that I’m okay with suicide then. How about slow poisoning? Oh…I’m down with sucking the life spirit out of my kiddos and having them suck for air on the junior high track like a Dirt Devil on steroids. I take it that’s cool, too? I mean, it’s my life, my kids, so what’s the problem?

See the point? I have no problem with ‘people’ who are happy with themselves just as long as they are not making other people miserable in the process. Believe it or not, our ‘collective’ fat (not just yours or mine) is making America sick. It’s a fact. Get over it. Then get on with it…it being 10 in 10.

Freedom overspill wasn’t just a cheesy song in the 80s. It should be America’s new rally-cry. However, there are too many sissies out there who value their own civil liberties over those of their neighbors. I personally think men like Paine, Jefferson, Lincoln and Washington would slap you upside the head with a glove and challenge you to a duel for being such a coward, all you FatSo? folks.

Instead, why not take a clue from these 10ers and the world of people who really ‘do’ realize this is not about looks and marketing dollars, but about feeling alive, perhaps for the first time in their lives, and instilling that freedom into the lives of our children. It’s about protecting our nation and the world against illnesses that do not even need to exist: high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes. Folks, these were all but unheard of a mere 60 years ago. Now they’re catch-phrases for commercials during half-time. What a sad, sad thing this is…and I’m not going to let it happen without a fight.

You in? You down with 10? Let the world know about it, give yourself a big hug, and march forward one pound of fat at a time.

When we’re all finished, we’ll throw pies at the NAAFA members. It will be amusing to see if they lick it off each other.

I have the tact of a drunken bulldozer, don’t I? I am a big man, yes I am… {10}